I heard tonight the most beautiful prayer.

Tears trickling down her cheeks, her voice hesitant she said, "God, you promised to be the light in the darkness, and I feel utterly in the dark. Show yourself to me."

And I thought, if God screened our prayers, this one would certainly go through.

Lord, you promised.

Self-Pity and Manmade Happiness

I have not had a good day.

It started poorly at 4 am when I woke up with a cramp in my leg that made me wince and woke me from my less than delicate sleep that had only just begun.
It continued with the cramps that shook my abdomen and caused me to roll out of bed, text my work out partner and lay in my bed and cry.

My coffee tasted funny.
I was too sleepy to pay attention in chapel, despite one of my favorite professor's speaking.
I was late to Greek and stormed in during prayer.
Lunch was unappetizing.
I remembered that I was a bad daughter.
I was anonymously told I was a terrible spiritual leader.
Also, immodest and unapproachable.

So I called my mom.
Whose ovaries are growing more cysts.
Who informed me that Brad, her husband, is physically degenerating.

And then, I gave up. Today was a day that wasn't meant to happen. I knew there was redemption in this. I knew that today could only be as bad as I made it, and yet, crying on Sweeting lawn, I gave up.

And went to jogging class, with a paper that was late, and a sheet that declared that I had failed not one, but both of my goals.

And I left jogging class, exhausted physically and emotionally. Depleted. Utterly alone.

Sweat dripping from my brow, I collapsed onto my bed, dejected.  On the table beside my desk was a collection of writings by Thomas Merton that I had used as an illustration the night before. I flipped it open and read the next small thought of Merton:

"God gives us the gift and capacity to make our own happiness out of our own situation. And it is not hard to be happy, simply by accepting what is within reach, and making of it what we can."

If we lie aside all the potential theological differences between he and I, he's got something worthwhile for me to hear. I make of this moment what I want. I can choose to be dejected that some people don't think I'm spiritual enough, loving enough, modest enough. Or I can choose to read the other side of my RA evaluations and see that I am doing something right. That I've made a lot of progress since last semester. That God is transforming me.

I can choose to be happy or I can choose to have a bad day.

So this is me, choosing manmade happiness instead of self-pity.