On Last Minute Research Papers

Right now, I'm staring at page 4, wondering how 9 more pages are going to fall on this page before midnight.

Right now, I'm looking at my pile of research and asking, "What would Augustine have said? What is the Orthodox view on this? What would Anselm have said? What would Rob Bell say?"

Right now, I'm saying things because I must, not because I've truly come to any conclusions, or feel adequately grounded in my solutions.

Right now, I'm daydreaming of my doctoral thesis in which I will be able to exhaust all my research hope and then some. When I'll have a year to write one paper, not just a day.

Right now, I'm procrastinating.

Praying for the Sick

Once when I was ten, I had a huge project I had not yet done. It was starting to get near my bedtime, and the 2 page paper loomed in future. What would I do? Would I stay up until 10 to finish my work, or would I simply go to bed and deal with the reality that I did not do all I was supposed to?

I choose a third option. I went to sleep and prayed to God that I would be sick so that I could skip school the next day and do my homework.

I started throwing up a few hours later, took the day off, and finished my assignment.

12 years later, I lay in bed at 2 am and pray that I get healthy so I can have a hope of finishing this paper.

Funny how things change.

Winter Rest

I frequently complain of winter. I hate the way the bitter wind blows into my eyes, producing tears that freeze as soon as they fall, leaving me looking like a Precious Moments figurine. I hate the snow and how it turns brown so quickly in this city, reminding me of the toxins I breathe in when I go out for some "fresh air." I hate the way the road gets covered in ice and noisy trucks drive by outside my window in the middle of the night to put salt on the road which will only ruin my favorite suede shoes or my new leather boots.

I hate winter.

But I love fall.

I love the smell of bonfires and potpourri. I love to walk through the city's version of a pumpkin patch where small pumpkin shaped gourds are placed in the zoo and city children pretend to "pick them" from the garden. I love pumpkin spice lattes and warm apple pie enjoyed with good friends, reminiscing about childhood memories of jumping in piles of leaves and making turkeys out of our handprints.

I think God loves fall as much as I do.

Yet I was told on Sunday, that for theological reasons, I should hate fall and winter and love only spring and summer, for autumn is when things die and as Christians we cherish life and not death. I quieted my mouth but my thoughts did not follow and I wondered why I loved watching leaves die and fall off trees, or why I love the fake pumpkins in the park.

Today, I saw a squirrel gleefully run around a tree, hopping from acorn to acorn, taking in his fall abundance. I watched him ignore the students who passed by, seeing him enjoy his bounty as he prepared for his winter rest.

And then it struck me. Fall and winter are not so much about death as they are about rest. For a few months a year, God quiets the earth and tells it to simply be. The trees do not need to bud, the flowers do not need to bloom, the animals can fall asleep.

And I wonder when we started seeing death in what is truly rest, wondered when we decided that not doing something was bad, when we decided that we were made to always move, to always bloom, to always do.

So today, as the leaves start to turn and the apples are being picked, I am stopping and resting, knowing God has always ordered rest.

Who do you think you're better than?

The man on the street who sells fake designer handbags speaks French fluently.

And you thought you were cultured.

Theology Jokes OR The Paradox of Faith.

I am having an existential crisis.

Theologically, I believe that God is sovereign, yet equips us with a free will, made in his own image. I believe that I have a soul that will live when my body dies and the two are necessarily separate. I believe Christianity is the only way to heaven. It is the design of God and his plan from the beginning.

Philosophically, I believe that every action has a cause, and with it, every cause has a cause. I am inherently deterministic. Everything has a reason established in its mechanics. Not totally a materialist, I understand the world as necessarily logical and building upon itself. I am a monist. I believe we are one psychosomatic unit. I do not think we are divided in two for God did not make Adam's body and then his soul, but he made Adam (for even my philosophy is theocentric). Philosophically, I am Hegelian. I believe the world is full of theses that will confront antitheses and the two will merge. We are but two choices in option at any time, and one will win out, but will not be the end for another alternative will arise. I believe that to my philosophical core.

So what then? Do I embrace my philosophical side and affirm things that then put my theology — and with it God's attributes – into question? Or do I accept my theology, claim it to be a divine mystery, and wallow in the sadness of my mysticism which fails to see faith as a part of reality?

In the end, I make no choices and instead make a joke only philosophical theology majors understand:

What happens when everything you believe theologically contradicts with everything you believe philosophically?

Answer: You become a trichotomist.