Ambition

My biggest downfall is my own ambition.

Somewhere in Jesus' parables it says that to whom much has been given, much will be required.  I know I have been given much, and it makes me anxious to use my gifts wisely. There are days where I fret about my future, wanting to do something glorious for God: write books with my name on the cover, teach theology in the African bush, mentor women who will become something. On those days where I lay out my options and debate what I can do, I realize that I've taken the idea of God's glory and replaced it with my own.

Last year on winter retreat, a speaker asked us what we wanted written on our tombstones. My epitaph was this: "Larissa Atkinson, a child of God, a servant of Christ Jesus."

There was no clause that said, "because she wrote sweet theology books" or "because she was really famous and still Christian" or even a phrase "because she did a lot."  My epitaph was about my identity in Christ, not in the things I have done.

Waiting at the bus stop on the way home from church, a new friend told me of his plans to go to law school. They were beautiful. I quickly wanted to do likewise, thinking that I love politics and I am intelligent, and I'm a theology major (which I learned, makes me naturally more inclined to do well on the LSAT). I wanted to do big things, live a big life, DO something for God.

I believe dearly that God intends to use me. Yet, at the end of the day, it is not about what I do, but who I am. Where is my identity? In doing things for God or loving him?

May I learn to walk humbly in his presence and live for his glory and not my own.