Monday, December 27, 2010

Why Theology

I was asked recently why I chose to study theology. My answer at the time was hollow -- the kind of thing you said when you were embarrassed of the real answer. The kind of thing you said that made you some shade of khaki, a neutral to blend in with the rest of society, hoping the attractive man who asked would accept it for what it was and move on, allowing you to talk about things you would be sure would flatter him, like British-ism, Russian neighborhoods, and nuclear non-proliferation.

"It's fascinating, really. Someone's religious beliefs are at the heart of who they are, the ideas someone holds most dearly. It's amazing to see the way that these ideas hold sway to someone, the way it motivates a person to action. Not to make it a mere sociology project -- I believe what I study."

It sounded nice. Enough to get a head nod and a change of topic.

At the end of the day, when I was bored of political discussions and niceties, I started to be annoyed at the way I had spent the past 9 hours talking about his interests while glossing over mine. I was angry with his narcissism, his inability to ask about me, to care about what I studied, his way of glorifying his own work at the expense of mine.

I owe him an apology. A week later, I reflect back and realize that I acted ashamed of my field of study, my way of life, myself. I walked around pretending to be someone I was not because I stood there ashamed of everything I believed, afraid to stand up for the truth.


I have spent the past 4 hours in a library too beautiful for words. With a structure evoking the Modern in Fort Worth, I soak in the skylight and shades of white, breathing in the scent of new books and Febreeze. I have spent the better part of my day researching for a course on prayer I'm teaching in a few short weeks, realizing I am totally ill-equip for this position, mostly because I lack confidence. I am terrified that I'll begin to teach my lesson on praying for the Second Coming and find myself knee-deep in a debate about eschatology. I'm afraid someone will laugh at me as being some sort of naive evangelical, and explain to the class that the Kingdom of God is here today, and we have no need to pray for God's return because he's here already.

I'm afraid it will happen and I will stand there, shocked for a few moments, watching as everyone laughs at me, and then storm out of the room to cry in the bathroom until I think it is safe to leave the building, catch the train and never return to Loyola.

Why do I study theology? An honest response requires me to put myself out on a limb, making myself vulnerable to attack. I study theology because its at the core of who I am. I study theology because I believe, behind every action I take is some sort of belief about God. I believe that each thing I do either glorifies God or is sin. I believe its a lasting cause to study. I believe that in the end, each day that I spend reading the Word of God and the textbooks of theologians, I become a little more like Christ, a little more like who I was meant to be.

Why theology? Because I could think of nothing more practical or necessary. Because, in the end, I want to study what I love, and I long desperately to love nothing more than God.

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