How do you know your choice is right? Is it a sinking feeling gut that no other decision could be right? Is it an indiscernible voice from above uttering sweet nothings into your ear? Is it just the confidence when reason triumphs over feelings and one's emotional quibbling ends?
Don't ask me. I have no idea.
But I can tell you this: Discernment is always messy in the moment, and clear in hindsight. God is always giving us signs and we are always playing Gideon with the dew, asking for the opposite of what we wanted the first time, and never content with what he gives us.
I wanted to share something I wrote last night on the train (for those who know the story: before I met Roy):
God, I get it.
I'm trying but I've got nothing.
I can't make this decision based on logic — it doesn't work.
Mind of Christ?
I have it. I want to use it, but I don't know how.
Mind of Christ?
Let him do the work. Let him decide.
God, where are the signs you supposedly send?
If you're trying to tell me, make it a little more obvious.
I won't play Gideon so don't dampen my carpet.
God, I just don't know.
Do I stay or do I go?
Because when all of my reasoning seems like rationalizing and my feelings are out of control, when the Spirit isn't moving and God isn't speaking, how do I decide?
The irony of it all: this next week I'm teaching on discernment.
As if I have any idea how to do that well.
God, you know what I do not. You have my best plans in mind and I have full confidence that you will aid me in this journey. This unknowing, this uneasiness, is all according to your will. I have faith that you will move mightily even if I miss it, yet again.
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