New seems to be my word lately.
New apartment.
New roommates.
New job.
New boyfriend.
New school year.
New clothes.
New bed.
New wall color.
New.
New.
New.
New.
I like new... in small shifts. Everything in my life is awesome and I feel like every new thing is a blessing and yet, I'm exhausted.
As in, can't-keep-my-eyes-open-at-9-pm tired. As in let-the-kids-watch-tv-for-an-hour-so-I-could-rest worn out. As in too-tired-to-unpack-so-I'll-just-live-amid-a-pile-of-boxes-and-wear-the-three-outfits-I-can-find-that-are-half-clean-in-the-hamper exhaustion.
I know its a phase. I know that God is pouring out his blessing over me right now, but at this particular moment as I gear up for the first real day at the new job and first real meeting at loyola and trying a new recipe in my new kitchen with my new appliances while my super-awesome new boyfriend scrounges mold off my ceiling, I just wish God would bless me a little slower.
To him who has awesome and wonderful things prepared for my life, to him who is above all gracious and giving, may all glory and honor and power be to him — and may he give us endurance and strength to run the race he has set before us. Amen.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
How Does It Feel To Be Graduated?
People have asked me consistently if it feels different to be graduated.
At first, I didn't know how to answer. Nothing was really different — it was just summer. Then, I didn't know if the question was fair. Were the different things consequences of my graduation or simply things that change from time to time? True, my recent love of sparkling pink wines is purely a product of graduation and good friends (as is my affinity for citrusy wheat ales) but what about the rest? I just nanny. I live with 5 girls, all but one who came from my college. I share a bed. I go shopping in the morning. I have an extensive coffee budget.
Then this week happened, and I can assure you, graduated life is different.
I painted a room into the perfect colors because I know I'll be there for a long time. Or to be more honest, I sat in a chair sending emails while my boyfriend painted the walls, because I've started dating someone who actually enjoys doing the things I hate and even more importantly, enjoys spending time with me. (And I assure you, the feelings are mutual).
I stepped into an office, met 4 chaplains, 5 sacramental life staff and a whole slew of graduate assistants who would be my co-workers on the north side. Sure, I interned there before, but nothing's quite like giving a woman named Cookie your social security and smiling awkwardly for your staff badge. Even retreat was different. Sure, I was a leader the year before. This year, though, I was the adult.
This week, I quit two jobs. I talked on the phone with one about how I hadn't planned to leave her family but that I needed to leave asap. I listened as she held back tears and told me how much it sucked.
I stood in a kitchen this morning with another mother I work for who I adore like a big sister, and stop her midway through her "I'm so glad you're leaving the other family and not me" celebration to inform her I was leaving both. Stood there as she cried. Stood there as I realized the kids would not understand.
This week, I interviewed and was offered a position the next day at the only job I applied for. I applied to one position, which would be perfect for me, and learned that it was what God had in store. I showed up today for my whirlwind training session and learned, for four hours, that my days would be filled with varied and interesting tasks. From filling out baptism certificates and photocopying commentaries to feeding homeless neighbors and planning all church events, my days would never dull.
So, when you ask me, the next time I step on campus, how it feels to be graduated. I will tell you it is wonderful and harder than I ever could have imagined, but I am so blessed.
At first, I didn't know how to answer. Nothing was really different — it was just summer. Then, I didn't know if the question was fair. Were the different things consequences of my graduation or simply things that change from time to time? True, my recent love of sparkling pink wines is purely a product of graduation and good friends (as is my affinity for citrusy wheat ales) but what about the rest? I just nanny. I live with 5 girls, all but one who came from my college. I share a bed. I go shopping in the morning. I have an extensive coffee budget.
Then this week happened, and I can assure you, graduated life is different.
I painted a room into the perfect colors because I know I'll be there for a long time. Or to be more honest, I sat in a chair sending emails while my boyfriend painted the walls, because I've started dating someone who actually enjoys doing the things I hate and even more importantly, enjoys spending time with me. (And I assure you, the feelings are mutual).
I stepped into an office, met 4 chaplains, 5 sacramental life staff and a whole slew of graduate assistants who would be my co-workers on the north side. Sure, I interned there before, but nothing's quite like giving a woman named Cookie your social security and smiling awkwardly for your staff badge. Even retreat was different. Sure, I was a leader the year before. This year, though, I was the adult.
This week, I quit two jobs. I talked on the phone with one about how I hadn't planned to leave her family but that I needed to leave asap. I listened as she held back tears and told me how much it sucked.
I stood in a kitchen this morning with another mother I work for who I adore like a big sister, and stop her midway through her "I'm so glad you're leaving the other family and not me" celebration to inform her I was leaving both. Stood there as she cried. Stood there as I realized the kids would not understand.
This week, I interviewed and was offered a position the next day at the only job I applied for. I applied to one position, which would be perfect for me, and learned that it was what God had in store. I showed up today for my whirlwind training session and learned, for four hours, that my days would be filled with varied and interesting tasks. From filling out baptism certificates and photocopying commentaries to feeding homeless neighbors and planning all church events, my days would never dull.
So, when you ask me, the next time I step on campus, how it feels to be graduated. I will tell you it is wonderful and harder than I ever could have imagined, but I am so blessed.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Creator God in Poetry
I haven't shared fiction with you in a while. Today is your lucky day. I wrote this upon landing in Dallas on my return trip from Costa Rica last October. Enjoy.
From Heaven
I wonder if this is how God sees us — specks of peach amid his green creation.
I wonder if, when we pray, he plays Where's Waldo with all the houses with matching roofs, looking for the weeping voice among the sea of words.
I wonder if, when he sees the crash coming, he hopes for the best — for the taxi to steer left and the sedan to slam on the brakes and cries as the cabbie pummels the small family while talking on his cell phone.
I wonder if, when we see him face to face, he'll hold us up like a figurine, lift us up in the palm of his hand to the tip of his nose —squinting to see all the details — and thinks,
"Hmm, just as I imagined she would be."
From Heaven
I wonder if this is how God sees us — specks of peach amid his green creation.
I wonder if, when we pray, he plays Where's Waldo with all the houses with matching roofs, looking for the weeping voice among the sea of words.
I wonder if, when he sees the crash coming, he hopes for the best — for the taxi to steer left and the sedan to slam on the brakes and cries as the cabbie pummels the small family while talking on his cell phone.
I wonder if, when we see him face to face, he'll hold us up like a figurine, lift us up in the palm of his hand to the tip of his nose —squinting to see all the details — and thinks,
"Hmm, just as I imagined she would be."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Psalm 13: Honesty and Truth
I blogged this today on the Loyola Living For Christ website, and I thought it spoke so clearly to what I'm learning right now, that I should share it on my home blog.
If you've spent much time around me, you've probably heard me say this already. Our prayer lives must be filled with honesty and truth — even when those two things are not the same thing.
Psalm 13 is the ultimate example of David doing just that.
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love,
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
David asks God if he will forget him forever. He asks God how long he will hide his face. At first, David seems to be saying something untrue. God doesn't forget people and he certainly didn't forget David who would be the great grandfather of Christ himself! God wasn't hiding. God doesn't do that! But David is being honest here. He's saying what he's feeling, what life seems like, and is bearing his soul before his Savior. God already knows what he's thinking and feeling; he might as well be honest before God and come to him without any pretenses.
In verse 2, David stands raw before the Lord, asking him the questions he most earnestly wants answered. David is not afraid to say to God exactly what is on his mind. In what is clearly a dark hour for David, he comes before the throne of God and asks for answers unabashedly.
He then, in verse 3, demands God's attention. It's almost funny. Here David is telling God that God has been hiding, that God has forgotten about him and then he demands God's presence as if he has a right to the counsel of the Almighty! He threatens God with his own mortality, noting that if God doesn't do something soon, David will not be there any more.
Sometimes, I read this psalm to God and declare it as my own. Stop ignoring me God! Answer me! Be here now! My life is falling apart and if you don't do something about it soon, I'll die! Granted, David likely wrote this psalm when he was being hunted by Saul and his life was truly in danger and I'm just struggling to get everything done on time, but nonetheless, there are days in which I identify with David (even if I am being melodramatic).
What's beautiful about this, though, is that God hears. God listens. God responds. God is not angry at our impatience. He is not turned off by our demands. He loves us and listens to us and cares for us. He is not far from us. Our honesty does not surprise God. It does not hurt his feelings. Our honesty, our kicking and screaming and temper tantrums are a part of being in intimate relationship with God. Like a toddler with his mother, our fits never push God away. We should grow out of them at some point, but God loves us through our yelling and our unreasonable perspectives.
If David stopped at verse 4, this psalm would be hard to read. Up to this point, David seems to be talking to a distant, uncaring God. He seems to be picking a fight with someone who has already left the room. Psalm 13 is powerful because once David stops stomping his feet, he reflects on the truth. He looks at what he knows to be a true of God, not just what he is feeling in the moment.
God is trustworthy. His love is unfailing. God is Savior. He is good to us.
Try reading verses 5 & 6 on a day when the world seems to be going wrong. Its hard. It is hard to say to God the truth when we don't feel like believing it, when we doubt that its true consistently.
See, if all we give God is honesty and we neglect the truth, we fall into despair. We doubt who God is. We doubt his goodness. We question his power. But when we, like David, remember the works of the Lord, when we look at how God has delivered us in the past, we have no choice but to rejoice. David's praise is not based on what he expects God to do, but on his past works. He has hope because God has proven himself.
God wants you to be real in front of him. There is no need to put on your Christian smile and say that everything is going well in front of a God who knows your innermost thoughts. But, despite what we might be feeling, we have to know who God is. God is good. He is our Savior. He has worked in the past for our sakes. He has provided. He is Lord. At the end of the day, no matter if our best friend's dad is trying to kill us (like David's was) or if we just failed our organic chemistry final, God is faithful and good and worthy of praise.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love,
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
May these words always be on our lips.
If you've spent much time around me, you've probably heard me say this already. Our prayer lives must be filled with honesty and truth — even when those two things are not the same thing.
Psalm 13 is the ultimate example of David doing just that.
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love,
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
David asks God if he will forget him forever. He asks God how long he will hide his face. At first, David seems to be saying something untrue. God doesn't forget people and he certainly didn't forget David who would be the great grandfather of Christ himself! God wasn't hiding. God doesn't do that! But David is being honest here. He's saying what he's feeling, what life seems like, and is bearing his soul before his Savior. God already knows what he's thinking and feeling; he might as well be honest before God and come to him without any pretenses.
In verse 2, David stands raw before the Lord, asking him the questions he most earnestly wants answered. David is not afraid to say to God exactly what is on his mind. In what is clearly a dark hour for David, he comes before the throne of God and asks for answers unabashedly.
He then, in verse 3, demands God's attention. It's almost funny. Here David is telling God that God has been hiding, that God has forgotten about him and then he demands God's presence as if he has a right to the counsel of the Almighty! He threatens God with his own mortality, noting that if God doesn't do something soon, David will not be there any more.
Sometimes, I read this psalm to God and declare it as my own. Stop ignoring me God! Answer me! Be here now! My life is falling apart and if you don't do something about it soon, I'll die! Granted, David likely wrote this psalm when he was being hunted by Saul and his life was truly in danger and I'm just struggling to get everything done on time, but nonetheless, there are days in which I identify with David (even if I am being melodramatic).
What's beautiful about this, though, is that God hears. God listens. God responds. God is not angry at our impatience. He is not turned off by our demands. He loves us and listens to us and cares for us. He is not far from us. Our honesty does not surprise God. It does not hurt his feelings. Our honesty, our kicking and screaming and temper tantrums are a part of being in intimate relationship with God. Like a toddler with his mother, our fits never push God away. We should grow out of them at some point, but God loves us through our yelling and our unreasonable perspectives.
If David stopped at verse 4, this psalm would be hard to read. Up to this point, David seems to be talking to a distant, uncaring God. He seems to be picking a fight with someone who has already left the room. Psalm 13 is powerful because once David stops stomping his feet, he reflects on the truth. He looks at what he knows to be a true of God, not just what he is feeling in the moment.
God is trustworthy. His love is unfailing. God is Savior. He is good to us.
Try reading verses 5 & 6 on a day when the world seems to be going wrong. Its hard. It is hard to say to God the truth when we don't feel like believing it, when we doubt that its true consistently.
See, if all we give God is honesty and we neglect the truth, we fall into despair. We doubt who God is. We doubt his goodness. We question his power. But when we, like David, remember the works of the Lord, when we look at how God has delivered us in the past, we have no choice but to rejoice. David's praise is not based on what he expects God to do, but on his past works. He has hope because God has proven himself.
God wants you to be real in front of him. There is no need to put on your Christian smile and say that everything is going well in front of a God who knows your innermost thoughts. But, despite what we might be feeling, we have to know who God is. God is good. He is our Savior. He has worked in the past for our sakes. He has provided. He is Lord. At the end of the day, no matter if our best friend's dad is trying to kill us (like David's was) or if we just failed our organic chemistry final, God is faithful and good and worthy of praise.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love,
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
May these words always be on our lips.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Morning Jog
Their noses peek above the water, eyes closed, as they glide across the water. You can hear the air as it travels down their nostrils, into their lungs and back out again.
They are beautiful. They are carefree. They swim across the pond while the morning dew settles and a slight warm mist forms over their habitat.
The seals swam across their pool, breathing in the morning dew and enjoying their morning workout.
I ran by, breathed deep and smiled. There is nothing as beautiful as an early morning jog through the zoo.
They are beautiful. They are carefree. They swim across the pond while the morning dew settles and a slight warm mist forms over their habitat.
The seals swam across their pool, breathing in the morning dew and enjoying their morning workout.
I ran by, breathed deep and smiled. There is nothing as beautiful as an early morning jog through the zoo.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Drug Induced Blogging
I promised myself I would blog today. I've been thinking a lot about faith and vulnerability and stillness and I promised I would share those muddled yet beautiful thoughts with you.
But then I took benadryl and now I am hardly conscious. But a promise is a promise, right?
Short form:
I am a hot mess at the moment. If I were in normal me mode, I would be freaking out about my housing situation, my job issues, the start of the school year, graduate school, my friendships, Loyola students coming back, Talia's wedding, Smith 4 girls returning, new relationships and my miscellaneous health issues as of late.
I'm not.
Instead, I'm way too calm and pulled together... sometimes. :)
See the big moral of the story is that when we rest in him, when our faith is strong and we have confidence to step before the throne of God and be vulnerable before our Lord and Savior, he delivers us. He provides for us.
I wanted to walk through all the verses with you. Instead I'll list them so God can lead you through them:
Psalm 46
Ex 14:14
Gen 18:21-33
Knock and the door will be opened. Seek and you shall find.
Now, Psalm 127:2 (slightly paraphrased): "In vain you rise early and go to bed late... but God grants sleep to those he loves."
And on that note, good night.
But then I took benadryl and now I am hardly conscious. But a promise is a promise, right?
Short form:
I am a hot mess at the moment. If I were in normal me mode, I would be freaking out about my housing situation, my job issues, the start of the school year, graduate school, my friendships, Loyola students coming back, Talia's wedding, Smith 4 girls returning, new relationships and my miscellaneous health issues as of late.
I'm not.
Instead, I'm way too calm and pulled together... sometimes. :)
See the big moral of the story is that when we rest in him, when our faith is strong and we have confidence to step before the throne of God and be vulnerable before our Lord and Savior, he delivers us. He provides for us.
I wanted to walk through all the verses with you. Instead I'll list them so God can lead you through them:
Psalm 46
Ex 14:14
Gen 18:21-33
Knock and the door will be opened. Seek and you shall find.
Now, Psalm 127:2 (slightly paraphrased): "In vain you rise early and go to bed late... but God grants sleep to those he loves."
And on that note, good night.
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