Selfishness

I've been thinking a lot about how selfish I am.

Its not the selfishness of a toddler who steals toys from her peers, holding them close to her chest and screaming, "Mine," but the reserved selfishness of adulthood. The one where you say its fine, but secretly are bitter things aren't geared towards you. The one where you get annoyed when you don't get the returns on your actions that you're reciprocating.

Its funny that this has been my thought for the past few days when today happened;

I was hosting some friends from Moody. The girls who I hadn't seen yet, the ones who text me to tell me how much they want to see me. After spending all morning cleaning and baking for them, I receive a series of texts of them canceling. As the numbers drop from 15 to 10 to 5, I get increasingly bitter at their selfishness. Their inability to come see me when I make the effort to see them. Their lack of foresight in planning their weeks so they could be here — after all, I had done so. I had protected the day for them. I had made sure they would be able to come over.

As I build up a small storm of fury inside me at their selfishness, my own becomes increasingly obvious.

I'm annoyed because I wanted to throw a good party, not because they're busy. I'm annoyed because I "did all of this for them" with no return.

It wasn't for them. It was for me. It was for my name, my glory, my ego.

Lord, teach me to love as you have loved. Teach me to be selfless, as you have been. May I lay down my life for you and for my brother. May I walk in humility and truth, caring for those you care for.

Future

Sometimes, I blog in the shower.
Or on the train.
Or in bed late at night when I should be sleeping or praying or something relaxing.

Those are the posts you never read. The ones that I write in my head so that I can feel rested, calmed, expressed.
My functional journal.

Lately, I've been thinking about my future. I'm finding that the happier I am in my present state, the less I'm interested in planning for my future.

This summer has been glorious. The past four months have been a testament to God's goodness and a demonstration of his provision. I have been well rested, well connected, well cared for. I have been shamelessly giddy the majority of the days. I have seen a good friend get married. I have moved into a lovely new apartment. I have started a new job.

I have not looked into grad schools. I have not written a five year plan. I have not (seriously) planned any trips.

And I'm stuck in the middle about it. My church, where I now work, is well versed in my future goals (circa May) and are immensely supportive. They want to know where I want to do my graduate work. They're interested in what I want to study, where I want to go — eager for my future. They're encouragement and enthusiasm is contagious. Talking to them reminds me of the way I am gifted, what God has in store for me and my passion for academia.

Its good to be excited. Its good to be thinking of the awesome things God has in store for your future. But we are not called to live in the future but in this moment.

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:35
"Do not boast about tomorrow for you do not know what a day might bring." Proverbs 27:1
"Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring... instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." James 4:14-15

May we learn to walk faithfully in the moment, awaiting what the Lord will bring but fully present in the moment in which he has us.