Selfishness

I've been thinking a lot about how selfish I am.

Its not the selfishness of a toddler who steals toys from her peers, holding them close to her chest and screaming, "Mine," but the reserved selfishness of adulthood. The one where you say its fine, but secretly are bitter things aren't geared towards you. The one where you get annoyed when you don't get the returns on your actions that you're reciprocating.

Its funny that this has been my thought for the past few days when today happened;

I was hosting some friends from Moody. The girls who I hadn't seen yet, the ones who text me to tell me how much they want to see me. After spending all morning cleaning and baking for them, I receive a series of texts of them canceling. As the numbers drop from 15 to 10 to 5, I get increasingly bitter at their selfishness. Their inability to come see me when I make the effort to see them. Their lack of foresight in planning their weeks so they could be here — after all, I had done so. I had protected the day for them. I had made sure they would be able to come over.

As I build up a small storm of fury inside me at their selfishness, my own becomes increasingly obvious.

I'm annoyed because I wanted to throw a good party, not because they're busy. I'm annoyed because I "did all of this for them" with no return.

It wasn't for them. It was for me. It was for my name, my glory, my ego.

Lord, teach me to love as you have loved. Teach me to be selfless, as you have been. May I lay down my life for you and for my brother. May I walk in humility and truth, caring for those you care for.