I want to start this new year off: with honesty. I spend a good portion of last year working on being more honest with others, and this year, I want to be more honest with God and myself. Its funny how easy it is to believe something that is completely untrue, while fully knowing its untrue. Such is the doublespeak of our human existence. We talk hopefully, unaware that it is, in fact, hope. We deceive ourselves into believing grand lies – knowingly lying until we forget. This year will be the same. And that's being fully honest. But the best I can do is try. Try and fail, but try I must, for honesty takes time, but its worth it.
So here's my confession. My list of truthful statements to myself, God and you.
I can swooned with Bon Iver. Without much effort either.
I have been thinking of boys and crushes since I was 5 years old. If anything, its more a part of my adult life than my childhood. And somewhat secretly, I love it.
I am terrified of the library in the dark. When the library is closed and the lights are turned off, my heartbeat pounds out my chest as I turn the corner into the dark corner of the 290's, wondering if this may be the last thing I do before some madman kills me.
I passionately love theology. I dream of being a scholar, but honestly, I don't think I'll ever get my Ph.D.
I love having plans, making plans, changing plans.
Sometimes, I don't want to be a Christian. Sometimes, I just want to live for today, without consequences.
Sometimes, I read the Bible for fun.
When I'm feeling stupid, I read John 21 and make fun of Peter.
When the world seems to be imploding, I read Job. I tell him he should suck it up. I tell him its not so bad. Knowing that he already knows that; I'm the one that needs to learn.
Sometimes, I like rules more than grace and religion more than Christ.
At heart, I'm a Pharisee.
But every now and then, when I've proven that I always fail, I crawl to the feet of Jesus and repent of everything that I am, everything I've done, everything I want. I sit there, eyes full of tears, and I tell him that I'm sorry. I tell him I feel guilty. I tell him that I'll take him as a shield and a sacrifice. I'll wear him when I face judgment, knowing that my sins have been cleared, that my punishment has been paid, and I tell him that ultimately, I'm just an ungrateful little child. But at least I'm his ungrateful little child.
And one truth is the most important to remind myself: I am loved by God. I am his beloved child. I have life in him alone.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Giving Kegs to Monks
I am reading a collection of thoughts by Thomas Merton. At the end of one of his quips, he writes, "I write this in the woodshed, surrounded by the charred, sweet-smelling wood of smashed-up whiskey barrels: not ours, naturally. Kegs given to the monks to break up for firewood."
I found it funny. I wonder who gives kegs to monks; what logic a person would have to find that a good idea.
And I realized its not so foreign really. Sometimes, we —I — do precisely this. I give to others that which is utterly inappropriate.
When I was 16, I learned a piece of wisdom from the OC. The show said that they way you spend you New Year's Eve is the way you will spend your new year. For that I am worried.
I spend my New Year's feelings out of place at a place that is supposed to feel like home. I spent it critical and judgmental – wishing that I was someplace else, someplace better. I realized that I had changed too much to ever feel at home here anymore.
But, thinking of sweet-smelling whiskey barrels in the hands of an old monk, I realized that I spend my New Year's thinking of me. Thinking about how I was unhappy. I forgot to spend the evening enjoying old friends, remembering a good year — a good decade that had passed us by.
Today is the beginning of a new year. The first decade in which I must be fully an adult. In honor of the New Year, I'm chopping up kegs to turn into firewood. I'm taking my past mistakes and chucking it into the fire to warm and enlighten my new year.
To the past 10 years: thanks for crafting me into someone worthwhile. Thanks for taking me from obnoxious preteen to mean teenager, over-sentimental college student to adult. Thanks for still ticking through no matter what became of me.
To the next 10 years: I'm not ready for you yet, but I'll take you in stride. So, let's get started.
I found it funny. I wonder who gives kegs to monks; what logic a person would have to find that a good idea.
And I realized its not so foreign really. Sometimes, we —I — do precisely this. I give to others that which is utterly inappropriate.
When I was 16, I learned a piece of wisdom from the OC. The show said that they way you spend you New Year's Eve is the way you will spend your new year. For that I am worried.
I spend my New Year's feelings out of place at a place that is supposed to feel like home. I spent it critical and judgmental – wishing that I was someplace else, someplace better. I realized that I had changed too much to ever feel at home here anymore.
But, thinking of sweet-smelling whiskey barrels in the hands of an old monk, I realized that I spend my New Year's thinking of me. Thinking about how I was unhappy. I forgot to spend the evening enjoying old friends, remembering a good year — a good decade that had passed us by.
Today is the beginning of a new year. The first decade in which I must be fully an adult. In honor of the New Year, I'm chopping up kegs to turn into firewood. I'm taking my past mistakes and chucking it into the fire to warm and enlighten my new year.
To the past 10 years: thanks for crafting me into someone worthwhile. Thanks for taking me from obnoxious preteen to mean teenager, over-sentimental college student to adult. Thanks for still ticking through no matter what became of me.
To the next 10 years: I'm not ready for you yet, but I'll take you in stride. So, let's get started.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Reminiscing Pre-Socratic
Last Christmas, I read Philosophy books. It's not weird. Even if it is, I refuse to believe that.
Yet, flipping through an old notebook, I'm excited by the quotes I kept. So, for the sake of no one but me, let me share them.
Heraclitus: "Good and bad are the same... upward, downward, the way is one and the same."
One cool thing he said though was that there is no being, only becoming. Nothing is actualized to use Aristotelean language. Is that not the Christian journey on earth? We are always becoming more like Christ, but we are never like Christ. Somehow, I find that reassuring.
However, I have one last beautiful thought. Apparently, as this textbook stated, Thessalonians were famous for wisdom (how does that affect our reading of Scripture?), especially in the city of Larisa. My namesake. I guess I have a high standard to live up to.
Yet, flipping through an old notebook, I'm excited by the quotes I kept. So, for the sake of no one but me, let me share them.
Heraclitus: "Good and bad are the same... upward, downward, the way is one and the same."
One cool thing he said though was that there is no being, only becoming. Nothing is actualized to use Aristotelean language. Is that not the Christian journey on earth? We are always becoming more like Christ, but we are never like Christ. Somehow, I find that reassuring.
However, I have one last beautiful thought. Apparently, as this textbook stated, Thessalonians were famous for wisdom (how does that affect our reading of Scripture?), especially in the city of Larisa. My namesake. I guess I have a high standard to live up to.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Redeeming Eve
Let's blame it on the class on the Theology of Women in Ministry class. Or we could blame it on my fascination with Dr. Sarah Sumner's book Men and Women in the Church and my recent pseudo-theological musings on Eve's body and my own. Or, we could even say that it's Prof. Becker's heavy emphasis on the start of Genesis in our class.
Or we could be honest: I'm fighting everything I know. At first it was Arminianism. Then, it was slow willingness to give into the Reformers, and revoke my Catholic ideologies. And now, its my understanding of headship.
And it's funny. I didn't even know what headship meant 2 years ago. I didn't accept it until a year ago, sitting in class, I decided I liked the idea of guys being charge — as long as my input was included. Yet, I spend the last few moments of my free time reading Genesis 1-3, debating if I could believe anything either side fed me.
At one point, I was going to wax eloquently about my findings. About real complementariness in men and women while pointing out that we are so skewed in what we're thought from liberals and conservatives. But eloquence is something that quickly fades when sleep deprivation kicks in, so forgive me for being crass, but I'm bullet pointing it.
- Gen 1:27: Man and Woman were both created. Mankind was created in God's image. It doesn't say man and woman each were created in God's image, and it certainly doesn't say that men only are the image of God. It says mankind. It speaks to our non-gender specific qualities, i.e., not biology and hormones.
- Gen 1:28–30: God lays out everything before Adam AND Eve and gives THEM authority. The commissions are, once again, to mankind and not a man. They are asked to make babies and have authority over the earth. Eve was not asked to raise children why her husband brought home a paycheck, but they, together, were commanded to have a family and be in leadership over creation. It says nothing about the dynamic of their relationship, only that they both held responsibility for it.
-Gen 2:15–17: Adam was given the commands about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Not Eve. Just Adam. Why does that matter? Well, we don't know how Eve knows. Either her husband informed her or God did. The text doesn't tell us, and anything that says otherwise is speculation.
-Gen 2:23: Adam valued Eve. He loved her. He saw worth in her. He saw intimate connection between them. He took credit for her. He claimed her as her own.
Side note: Do we treat other human beings like that? It's not that he was man and she was woman that created this kind of bond, it was their joint humanity. I share humanity with... what you know, all other humans. Do I see intrinsic value in them? I should. Everyone is worthy of not only God's love, but mine. Granted the first is a lot better and a lot more consistent, but everyone deserves love from everyone else.
-Gen 2:24: This passage doesn't say that woman gives up everything she has in fulfillment of God's will for her husband. It says men leave their families and CLING to their wives. At the very least, we have to say that the Bible doesn't make Eve a helpless husband hunter. Women aren't told at all in Scripture that their lifelong fulfillment is to find a husband. Who's "holding fast" in the passage? Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that women aren't called to give up things or that they can be loose with their husbands. All I am saying is that the onus in this passage is on what the man does.
Gen 2:24b: One flesh. Can I just point out something here that we skip? One flesh is not one person being better than the other. One flesh isn't equality with each other either. One flesh is one flesh.
Story time: I went to a wedding once where the unity candle wouldn't light. I thought it was hilarious. The couple stood on stage a little nervous and flustered that everything wasn't going smoothly. This candle would not light. So the groom, in an attempt to keep things going, moved his candle into the center, allowing his candle to be their candle. The bride proceeded to push his candle out, place hers in the middle, smile and blow his out.
Moral of the Story: That's how we view 'one flesh.' Its like Battle Royale between man and wife over who has authority and power. That's not biblical. Biblical marriage: one flesh. Husband and wife are united so that they, together, are one entity. I'm not sure how that works in light of 2 people's obviously distinct persons, but I know that one flesh means one. Not one, and a lower one. It means one! How is Christ both fully human and fully God? I don't know. It doesn't make any sense, but I know its true. How can husband and wife be one flesh when they are two people? I don't know, but I do know it means that the question isn't about power and authority.
Gen 3:1: I have quite the commentary going here. Sorry, world that isn't reading this. I need to say it for my own sanity's sake. The serpent was crafty. He knew how to pry on weakness. Thus, he knew that Adam heard from God the command not to eat of the tree. At the very least, he knew Adam heard it first. So he talks to Eve. He could have talked to Adam. But he didn't. I'm not sure the full ramifications of that thought, but its a fact. The serpent chose Eve.
Gen 3:2: Eve corrects, from a seemingly neutral posture, that the serpent got it wrong. They can eat from most trees. He said none.
Gen 3:3: She adds a phrase. Was Eve lying? Not necessarily. We don't know if she knew it right. We don't know. That's all we've got. We can't blame her with information we don't have. All we know, is that she answered him incorrectly.
And here's a big cavaet: Eve had never dealt with deception before. How was she to know the intention of the serpent? Maybe he was just curious? Maybe it was all really weird to her. Maybe, she frequently told the animals about God. Who knows. We don't. What we know is the facts. Eve did not blankly accept his statement, and she didn't read it as deceptive. She corrected him, but got some facts wrong. Maybe she was just like the Pharisees and adding a protective bubble around truth. Maybe she honestly thought she couldn't touch the tree. (Maybe she really couldn't). Or, maybe she added it. We don't know.
Gen 3:6a: Eve did three things. She thought about her stomach, her senses. She thought about beauty. She thought about her intellect. Eve thought about herself. She didn't think about God. Sin happens when we start thinking about bettering ourselves more than following God. I'm sorry, Eve, but redeeming you doesn't mean denying your sin. You knew you couldn't have it, and you did. You sinned. My job isn't to make it so you didn't sin, but to give you credit along the way. You're not as bad as Tertullian said.
Gen 3:6b: Well, Eve shared! Maybe give a point for not being so greedy that she only wanted to have all the wisdom. Maybe Eve understood being one flesh meant that they both deserved all the good things she saw in the fruit. Just a thought about one flesh really quickly.
Gen 3:6b: This is a big point. Adam was there! He was with her. Maybe, and totally possible with my ridiculously crass exegesis of this, with means something other than right next to. But, Im rolling with this. Adam was with her. He didn't speak up. He didn't say, "Lovely wife, but I think you're misquoting God." He doesn't say, "No thanks, God told me not to eat that fruit." He is passive. I think if we read this passage and say Eve usurped power and that was their sin, I think you're wrong. The problem was Adam's passivity, and not because he was male. No one, not even a submissive wife, is allowed to let sin happen to them knowingly. He was still responsible for himself. If he was right there, he should have spoken up for both of them for the sake of avoiding sin. He wasn't right there, he at least could have rejected the fruit. Instead, Adam was passive.
So what does that have to do with headship? To be honest, I don't know. Men and women were created different, and they are, in fact, different. But how much of Genesis 1-3 is about headship and how much of it is about humanity?
And I know I'm talking like an egalitarian and it horrifies me, because I refuse to be that. But, if I'm really honest with you, I don't think Eve was any less than Adam. I don't think she was given any less responsibility in the Garden. I don't think she had to submit to Adam any more than he submitted to her. I just don't see it.
Men and women are different. Physically, we complement each other. My guess is, we do so emotionally and spiritually as well. But we're equal. We all have different ways of life and things that we are called to do. Do those things follow gender lines? I don't know. Am I allowed to be intelligent and strong as a woman? Yes. At the very least, I'm happy to try to be a Proverbs 31 woman. But before you say I've gone fundamentalist on you, let me remind you that she lifted weights. She made business deals. I'm okay on with doing that.
So, Eve, here's my redemption for you: God loved you. So did Adam. God trusted you to be in leadership over all the earth... just like he did for your husband. You are worth more than doing laundry.
Or we could be honest: I'm fighting everything I know. At first it was Arminianism. Then, it was slow willingness to give into the Reformers, and revoke my Catholic ideologies. And now, its my understanding of headship.
And it's funny. I didn't even know what headship meant 2 years ago. I didn't accept it until a year ago, sitting in class, I decided I liked the idea of guys being charge — as long as my input was included. Yet, I spend the last few moments of my free time reading Genesis 1-3, debating if I could believe anything either side fed me.
At one point, I was going to wax eloquently about my findings. About real complementariness in men and women while pointing out that we are so skewed in what we're thought from liberals and conservatives. But eloquence is something that quickly fades when sleep deprivation kicks in, so forgive me for being crass, but I'm bullet pointing it.
- Gen 1:27: Man and Woman were both created. Mankind was created in God's image. It doesn't say man and woman each were created in God's image, and it certainly doesn't say that men only are the image of God. It says mankind. It speaks to our non-gender specific qualities, i.e., not biology and hormones.
- Gen 1:28–30: God lays out everything before Adam AND Eve and gives THEM authority. The commissions are, once again, to mankind and not a man. They are asked to make babies and have authority over the earth. Eve was not asked to raise children why her husband brought home a paycheck, but they, together, were commanded to have a family and be in leadership over creation. It says nothing about the dynamic of their relationship, only that they both held responsibility for it.
-Gen 2:15–17: Adam was given the commands about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Not Eve. Just Adam. Why does that matter? Well, we don't know how Eve knows. Either her husband informed her or God did. The text doesn't tell us, and anything that says otherwise is speculation.
-Gen 2:23: Adam valued Eve. He loved her. He saw worth in her. He saw intimate connection between them. He took credit for her. He claimed her as her own.
Side note: Do we treat other human beings like that? It's not that he was man and she was woman that created this kind of bond, it was their joint humanity. I share humanity with... what you know, all other humans. Do I see intrinsic value in them? I should. Everyone is worthy of not only God's love, but mine. Granted the first is a lot better and a lot more consistent, but everyone deserves love from everyone else.
-Gen 2:24: This passage doesn't say that woman gives up everything she has in fulfillment of God's will for her husband. It says men leave their families and CLING to their wives. At the very least, we have to say that the Bible doesn't make Eve a helpless husband hunter. Women aren't told at all in Scripture that their lifelong fulfillment is to find a husband. Who's "holding fast" in the passage? Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that women aren't called to give up things or that they can be loose with their husbands. All I am saying is that the onus in this passage is on what the man does.
Gen 2:24b: One flesh. Can I just point out something here that we skip? One flesh is not one person being better than the other. One flesh isn't equality with each other either. One flesh is one flesh.
Story time: I went to a wedding once where the unity candle wouldn't light. I thought it was hilarious. The couple stood on stage a little nervous and flustered that everything wasn't going smoothly. This candle would not light. So the groom, in an attempt to keep things going, moved his candle into the center, allowing his candle to be their candle. The bride proceeded to push his candle out, place hers in the middle, smile and blow his out.
Moral of the Story: That's how we view 'one flesh.' Its like Battle Royale between man and wife over who has authority and power. That's not biblical. Biblical marriage: one flesh. Husband and wife are united so that they, together, are one entity. I'm not sure how that works in light of 2 people's obviously distinct persons, but I know that one flesh means one. Not one, and a lower one. It means one! How is Christ both fully human and fully God? I don't know. It doesn't make any sense, but I know its true. How can husband and wife be one flesh when they are two people? I don't know, but I do know it means that the question isn't about power and authority.
Gen 3:1: I have quite the commentary going here. Sorry, world that isn't reading this. I need to say it for my own sanity's sake. The serpent was crafty. He knew how to pry on weakness. Thus, he knew that Adam heard from God the command not to eat of the tree. At the very least, he knew Adam heard it first. So he talks to Eve. He could have talked to Adam. But he didn't. I'm not sure the full ramifications of that thought, but its a fact. The serpent chose Eve.
Gen 3:2: Eve corrects, from a seemingly neutral posture, that the serpent got it wrong. They can eat from most trees. He said none.
Gen 3:3: She adds a phrase. Was Eve lying? Not necessarily. We don't know if she knew it right. We don't know. That's all we've got. We can't blame her with information we don't have. All we know, is that she answered him incorrectly.
And here's a big cavaet: Eve had never dealt with deception before. How was she to know the intention of the serpent? Maybe he was just curious? Maybe it was all really weird to her. Maybe, she frequently told the animals about God. Who knows. We don't. What we know is the facts. Eve did not blankly accept his statement, and she didn't read it as deceptive. She corrected him, but got some facts wrong. Maybe she was just like the Pharisees and adding a protective bubble around truth. Maybe she honestly thought she couldn't touch the tree. (Maybe she really couldn't). Or, maybe she added it. We don't know.
Gen 3:6a: Eve did three things. She thought about her stomach, her senses. She thought about beauty. She thought about her intellect. Eve thought about herself. She didn't think about God. Sin happens when we start thinking about bettering ourselves more than following God. I'm sorry, Eve, but redeeming you doesn't mean denying your sin. You knew you couldn't have it, and you did. You sinned. My job isn't to make it so you didn't sin, but to give you credit along the way. You're not as bad as Tertullian said.
Gen 3:6b: Well, Eve shared! Maybe give a point for not being so greedy that she only wanted to have all the wisdom. Maybe Eve understood being one flesh meant that they both deserved all the good things she saw in the fruit. Just a thought about one flesh really quickly.
Gen 3:6b: This is a big point. Adam was there! He was with her. Maybe, and totally possible with my ridiculously crass exegesis of this, with means something other than right next to. But, Im rolling with this. Adam was with her. He didn't speak up. He didn't say, "Lovely wife, but I think you're misquoting God." He doesn't say, "No thanks, God told me not to eat that fruit." He is passive. I think if we read this passage and say Eve usurped power and that was their sin, I think you're wrong. The problem was Adam's passivity, and not because he was male. No one, not even a submissive wife, is allowed to let sin happen to them knowingly. He was still responsible for himself. If he was right there, he should have spoken up for both of them for the sake of avoiding sin. He wasn't right there, he at least could have rejected the fruit. Instead, Adam was passive.
So what does that have to do with headship? To be honest, I don't know. Men and women were created different, and they are, in fact, different. But how much of Genesis 1-3 is about headship and how much of it is about humanity?
And I know I'm talking like an egalitarian and it horrifies me, because I refuse to be that. But, if I'm really honest with you, I don't think Eve was any less than Adam. I don't think she was given any less responsibility in the Garden. I don't think she had to submit to Adam any more than he submitted to her. I just don't see it.
Men and women are different. Physically, we complement each other. My guess is, we do so emotionally and spiritually as well. But we're equal. We all have different ways of life and things that we are called to do. Do those things follow gender lines? I don't know. Am I allowed to be intelligent and strong as a woman? Yes. At the very least, I'm happy to try to be a Proverbs 31 woman. But before you say I've gone fundamentalist on you, let me remind you that she lifted weights. She made business deals. I'm okay on with doing that.
So, Eve, here's my redemption for you: God loved you. So did Adam. God trusted you to be in leadership over all the earth... just like he did for your husband. You are worth more than doing laundry.
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