Snow-covered Confessional

I want to start this new year off: with honesty. I spend a good portion of last year working on being more honest with others, and this year, I want to be more honest with God and myself. Its funny how easy it is to believe something that is completely untrue, while fully knowing its untrue.  Such is the doublespeak of our human existence. We talk hopefully, unaware that it is, in fact, hope. We deceive ourselves into believing grand lies – knowingly lying until we forget.  This year will be the same. And that's being fully honest. But the best I can do is try. Try and fail, but try I must, for honesty takes time, but its worth it.

So here's my confession. My list of truthful statements to myself, God and you.


I can swooned with Bon Iver. Without much effort either.

I have been thinking of boys and crushes since I was 5 years old. If anything, its more a part of my adult life than my childhood.  And somewhat secretly, I love it.

I am terrified of the library in the dark. When the library is closed and the lights are turned off, my heartbeat pounds out my chest as I turn the corner into the dark corner of the 290's, wondering if this may be the last thing I do before some madman kills me.

I passionately love theology. I dream of being a scholar, but honestly, I don't think I'll ever get my Ph.D.

I love having plans, making plans, changing plans.

Sometimes, I don't want to be a Christian. Sometimes, I just want to live for today, without consequences.

Sometimes, I read the Bible for fun.

When I'm feeling stupid, I read John 21 and make fun of Peter.

When the world seems to be imploding, I read Job.  I tell him he should suck it up. I tell him its not so bad. Knowing that he already knows that; I'm the one that needs to learn.

Sometimes, I like rules more than grace and religion more than Christ.

At heart, I'm a Pharisee.

But every now and then, when I've proven that I always fail, I crawl to the feet of Jesus and repent of everything that I am, everything I've done, everything I want. I sit there, eyes full of tears, and I tell him that I'm sorry. I tell him I feel guilty. I tell him that I'll take him as a shield and a sacrifice. I'll wear him when I face judgment, knowing that my sins have been cleared, that my punishment has been paid, and I tell him that ultimately, I'm just an ungrateful little child. But at least I'm his ungrateful little child.

And one truth is the most important to remind myself:  I am loved by God. I am his beloved child. I have life in him alone.