Apology

On an RA panel months ago, I made the comment that being an RA has taught me how to apologize.

I meant it, and in some ways, I had learned about apologies during my year and a half on Smith 4. I learned it on a casual, one on one level. I learned to see myself as less than perfect and make amends when I had failed to do as I had promised, or as was expected of me.

If I thought I knew anything about apologies then, I had no idea what this semester would hold.

This semester, I've missed the mark a lot. I've spoken out of turn. I've been off color. I've not loved people the way I should. I have made decisions without fully comprehending the ramifications of my actions.

And I apologize.

It is always hard. It is always emotional. It is also heart-felt, and it is always consumed with a fear that it will not be received.

Tonight, I go to bed thinking of an apology letter I must write in the morning. It grieves me to write it, not because I do not feel like I have wronged anyone, but because I know I have. It saddens me that my knowledge of my poor decision comes after I have already acted.

Lord, forgive me for the sins I commit unintentionally. Grant me grace to conquer them through you. Give me the words to apologize rightly, to make amends where necessary. Give me the wisdom to not make the same fumbles in the future.